Friday, July 20, 2007

Just not popular

Seriously, I know it may be hard to imagine (or quite easy for those who know me IRL), but I have never been nor probably will ever be "popular". Yes, I am talking high school cliquish popular. You see, I have this little problem. It goes something like this:

I identify the popular people in a group and befriend them. Turns out I can be quite charming (yes, for REAL, I can, now stop laughing at me and just read), when I want to be. Yes, you read that right -- WHEN I want to be. So, a few weeks/months pass of me being "popular" and following the lead of these popular people until one day I wake up and think. WAIT, why am I not the center of attention? Yes, I may not be "pretty" like they are (although B laughs his ass off at my high school year book and asks why THIS one is popular because she is "ugly as shit" and THAT one isn't because "Damn she is hot" -- lucky for him I am in the later category in his mind. Gotta love the poor deluded man.). I may not be one of those people who goes out and drinks her own body weight worth of booze at any time. I may also be one of those people who would just rather spend time in sweats rather than some over priced get up that is all the rage. And that is where the problems begin. I start dressing the way I want, stop acting like an unitelligent cackling airhead and actually - GOD FORBID - have an opinion that differs from the norm. Then I realize I am happier -- much happier -- being myself and as a result, whamo, no longer popular (this is usually because I go out with a bang and tell someone to fuck off -- that would have been law school -- or invite the entire school to their "private party" -- way back in middle school -- or anyone number of things.)

Now, what is bringing up all this teenage angst. Well several things...

1) L isn't nearly as social as he was just a few short months ago when he was in daycare. Over the weekend we attended a birthday party of a "Friend" of sorts. Not a close friend. Actually B's former boss. But they have kids close in age to L and R, so I thought it would be fun for the boys and nice to meet other mommy's in the area. Ummm, Yeah, NOT. At one point I noticed that L was standing just outside the main group of kids and not getting in there, not playing the the water, not playing with the toys, just really watching it all and taking it in. And I started to worry about whether he is socially delayed too -- damn this early intervention crap, now I worry about every little thing he does or doesn't do. Then I shook my over educated head and realized, HELLO -- here I am with R in the carrier standing at a picnic table just away from the general party talking to NO ONE. Although, I would love to say that normally I would, but when you have two kids to watch yourself and the supposed babysitters are discussing threesomes while the kids romp around like fools, I am sorry I will ignore adults and hang with my kids thank you very much.

However, I don't think that is really the case. I have a group of VERY close friends that I have had for a VERY long time. I have some newer friends and I have work friends. I am the type of person that will tell you -- why yes, those pants make your ass look like the Goodyear blimp -- and suprisingly enough, most people don't like that level of honesty. But that doesn't translate well to L. So, do I just suck it up and go back to that wretched play group that I hated or what? how do I teach him to make new friends when I find that I don't like most of the mommy's in this area.


2) The fucking message boards that I belong too. Seriously, I really need to stop torturing myself. I used to belong to the nest, but that place is psycho-ville USA, so I left. Then I joined Fertility Friend (which is good for charting, but the moderators are Nazi's and I recommend avoiding it at all costs!), I have a mommy's group there of mommy's with kids L's age. I also belong to an off-FF board of March 07 mommy's that packed up and moved on because of FF acting psychotic in their monitoring. Guess what -- I am NOT popular at either of those boards. I make a very big point not to ruffle feathers or anything, but both places, there are a group of 2 or 3 moms that get 99% of the attention. Seriously, I could post that my arm just was hacked off by a chainsaw and the "popular" mommy that stubbed her toe gets 100 responses and hugs and I get -- suck it up woman, it could be worse. Good lord. Well, I could share stories for the next few hours, but I do have to work and all.

Anyways, the point is... For some reason this BOTHERS me. I guess I just don't get it. Just like I didn't get it in Middle school, high school, college or law school. Why oh why am I not good enough to be popular? So, then I start in with the self-doubt, why don't they like me, crap. I alternate my reasoning between one of two things -- low self-esteem (i am ugly and not a good enough friend) or over inflated self-esteem (Why do I want to be friends with these idiots anyway, who know next to nothing about pregnancy, infancy or toddlerhood and spend 90% of there time on this stinking internet board).

Don't worry -- my self-absorbed worrying will pass. It always does. Just like when I was friends with the popular crowd in middle school or high school. I will wake up one day and say fuck you all. I am way more intelligent then ya'll and don't have to pretend about anything. So what if the whole world doesn't send me *hugs* and such, I am pretty damn fantastic myself and dude -- check out those two boys and the close friends I do have. Obviously, I am doing something right. Quality over quantity anyday. I just need to get to that day and in the mean time worry about what is wrong with me and why don't people like me.


nmbailey said...

Are you saying we weren't popular in college?? =)

Don't worry, though, I'm with you, I wouldn't trade my few closest friends for anything!

Kirsten said...

Girl, you know I totally think you rock. If you didn't live on the absolute furthest point in the U.S. away from me we would totally have 3 martini playdates!

psukimmer said...

What? We weren't popular in Highschool? We rocked! haha. Anyway, you were special to those who mattered. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks. We all find our niche where we belong. It isn't so great to be the "popular crowd" where you are constantly pressured to do things you don't want to do anyway. I say live the way you want, it is more fun that way! Hugs!