Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Why didn't I get myself one of these sooner??

A wife that is... Our nanny/housekeeper started today and OMG is she wonderful! I can't tell you how nice it is to have the dishes done WHILE I am nursing R and return to a spotless kitchen. Shoot, B came home for lunch and left me an ever loving mess. Ruth cleaned up after me and B!

Although, now I have tons of time on my hands to do ... nothing! That isn't so much fun, but it will be nice to be able to spend the weekends with the boys rather than cleaning up the accumulated mess of the week.

Any suggestions on how to make Ruth feel right at home here? She feels bad eating out food, but I consider it part of her pay, so I really want to encourage her to do so. Also, any helpful phrases in Spanish for me to use? We are bumbling through talking to each other, but so far so good.

Monday, May 21, 2007

The house of Poop

I don't know what is going on in my house these days. L -- pooping through size 5 diapers!! These are diapers so big in the butt that they hang down to his knees, but yet still can not contain the amount of poop this little guy produces. Yesterday was the perfect example of an L poop.

Everyone is eating dinner and it is unfortunately my turn to clean the kid up (B did breakfast and lunch in a bid to be a good husband and maybe, possibly, fingers-crossed get some action -- he was good, but not THAT good!). So I pick him up and I am immediately confronted with a soaking wet behind -- not fun! So, when the rubber hit the road -- poop was out of his diaper, all the way down his leg and on his socks and shirt! How it went both up and down out of the diaper is anyones guess. Luckily B did help by holding his hands, but by the end of the diaper change, poop was on

1) the changing pad
2) a cloth diaper, put under L to protect the changing pad
3) the wall
4) his bare feet and toes
5) the dresser
6) the floor and last but not least...
7) my hands

It was a BLAST. I am thinking maybe L and pampers are no longer compatible, what do you think? What can contain his toxic blasts? This is a kid who eats more than I do, so it is understandable to have 3 giant poops a day, but I am getting sick of searching for a diaper to contain it.

Oh and R -- kid hasn't stopped pooing since he was born. He farts constantly (and OMG does it stink!) and I may have changed a total of a dozen diapers that don't involve poop. The kid is like the farting dog toy. You squeeze his stomach and he toots. Not to mention the numerous times he just poops on the changing pad while you are changing him! Anyone know if THAT is normal???

Saturday, May 19, 2007

good days

There are days when I am thorougly amazed at L's obvious love for R. I was terrified before having R that L was going to see us as traitors for bringing this new little one into the world. I am a little embarassed to say that when I found out I was pregnant I cried because I thought we weren't being fair to L.

Well, looks like he adjusted, huh??

I don't think they need B or I anymore, as long as they have one another.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

It has to be time to go back to work...

I am doing crafts!! That is not me. I am the one in the three button black suit ballbusting for fun, not painting cute animals on letters to decorate her kids rooms. Seriously -- I can't even begin to send these pics to the office because I will never live it down. First I have a baby sans epidural (that STILL hasn't stop causing a stir) and now I am getting all creative and shit.

It is the hormones people. I will go back to normal...

Or really I am just going to hide my tears because I am DREADING the end of maternity leave. My God ... I have really gone and said those words.

Ok. Back to happy things.

Here is L's letters

And R's

Oh and the cutest kid in the world (because DAMN how did B and I create that??!!!).

Friday, May 11, 2007

Playgroup drop out

Yes, it is official... I don't play well with others.

A week ago I was invited to join a playgroup. I am of course not embarassed to tell you that I was so excited about this I could barely stand it. I am in desperate need of friends with kids (how I am the youngest of my friends in this area and the first to have two kids... yeah, still attempting to figure that one out). Anyways, the playdate was for Tues at one of the local parks.

I of course was so stinking excited all Tues. morning, worried about what I was wearing, put make up on, made sure the boys were dressed adorably and...

OH MY GOD the other mom's were horrid!!!! Seriously made me understand why schools are as fucked up as they are. YIKES.

Let's suffice to say I heard "oh were is _____" no less then a dozen times. I mean come on people, the park is about a quarter acre total -- not exactly hard to keep track of your kid if you could peel your fat ass off the park bench or stop gossiping long enough to watch them. Talking and looking are not mutually exclusive tasks. Not to mention, how about keeping your filthy brats from kicking sand at my 7w old and so help me GOD if you shoot me another dirty look for kindly telling the bastard to "oh no honey -- don't kick sand at the baby." L -- well he was on his own and you can definitely tell the kid has been in daycare!

Not to mention the over primped bitch to moaned and complained about how hard it was to take care of her 3 year old -- who, I might add, she was breastfeeding at the park -- and how her husband was no help. I mean, I am a huge breastfeeding advocate, but come on. Do you expect your husband to LACTATE for you too?? If it is too much for you and you need to complain for no less than the ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR I WAS THERE, then maybe it is time to wean, huh??? Oh and NO the job of an au pair is not to be at your "beck and call" as you seem to think. And I know -- how DARE nanny's in this area want to leave your child to go home to attend to their own. I am not making this shit up people her exact words were "Oh I don't want a nanny. They have to go home at night and take care of their own families. I mean an au pair is here to only serve me and that is what I need."

Good Lord. This is just another reason that I hate the New York City 'burbs. I mean how many self-righteous people do you have to interact with on a daily basis.

So, with a smile and a wave I left the park on Tues knowing full well I will do everything in my power to never see those women or their prissy spoiled brood ever again.

And then placed my very first call to the Saint to bitch. Guess even the Saint was a playgroup drop out. They loved her.... she didn't love them. Maybe she doesn't always have the halo on....

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

No good deed goes unpunished

Ok, so it has been a few days and no, that isn't because of the plague that invaded the house last week, rather it is due to my recovering from the weekend. This is bound to be long, so go grab a coffee, soda, water, stiff drink -- whatever turns your crank and settle in for a bit.

This all started early last week. As I said before, my sister's husband -- BIL for future ease -- had not a kidney stone, but rather a kidney boulder. Turns out it was too big to pass and he needed something called lipotripsy to break it into smaller pieces. (for those who are thinking what the heck is that -- it is an ultrasonic wave that is sent into the kidney/ stone to break the stone into smaller pieces. Sometimes it breaks it into fine sand and the person gets to pee that all out and sometimes it doesn't do a thing to the stone. Lets not even discuss the later.) Blah blah blah -- I was on the phone discussing it all with my sister and the lipotripsy appt was just one more thing for my sister's already overbooked Monday. My sister and I got off the phone shortly after that with me thinking "sucks to be her. Wish I could help." It was only a few hours later (yeah, I am a little slow on the uptake these days) that I had the head slapping realization -- duh, I CAN help.

Let me take a little detour here to explain one thing. My sister -- she's a saint. Seriously! (and yes, she reads my blog, but this is not an asskissing my any stretch. I think I have enough brownie points for the foreseeable future). She is the person that knows everyone, is loved by everyone, but is also the person that is totally taken advantage of by, well, everyone -- me included, but I am allowed since she is family. Need something - ask the Saint. She usually has about 15 kids at her house, she is the one planning all the neighborhood get togethers, gets flowers for those that are sick/in the hospital/ just down in the dumps and she is the one that takes care of the pets for the neighbor on vacation, even though she is so allergic to most animals that just passing contact with a dog sets off a reaction which leads to an asthma attack. Suffice to say, she has bailed my sorry ass outta more situations then B or my parents will ever know about. She is the do-gooder. Me -- well I am the bitch. No worries though, because we are both more than happy with out "positions." At least, I think we are -- I know I am.

Now back to the weekend...

So, at some point it hits me. I am on maternity leave and have no obligations for the weekend or even Monday when BIL is having the boulder broken and my mom was laid up wiht the surgery on her foots, so I could visit her on my way to the Saints house. Long story short (I think the boat has left on keeping THIS short) I decided in my infinite wisdom to actually do something nice for my family. Oh -- and to drag my 7week old and toddler along with me.

Here was the plan--
1) leave at 6am on Sat and drive from NY to PA. L will sleep half the way, nurse R at the halfway point and get L breakfast. Arrive in PA at 10am. 2) hang with the parents on Sat and Sunday morning. Help out my mom and dad as much as possible, set up R's baptism, go to church with the boys, see my one best friend's parents, get chocolate for B and the one neighbor (seriously -- we have the BEST chocolate place in my home town!!!). 3) leave PA in the afternoon, drive 2 hrs to VA, no need to stop for food or nursings, have dinner with the Saint and family. 4) Monday -- still in VA, look at houses there because it is one of the areas we are talking about moving to, drag youngest niece along with me while BIL has the proceedure done, take oldest niece to gymnastics in the evening, pick up oldest niece while middle niece is at horseback riding, back to the Saint's house, have dinner, boys in the car for the drive home, L will sleep the whole way, R hopefully will. Arrive in NY at 2ish in the morning, nurse R, go to bed.

Here is what happened --
Got on the road like planned at 6am. L -- never went back to sleep. Whined and complained for a while, then started chirping at all big trucks we passed. Tried to stop for gas in NJ (because - hello they still pump it for you!!! After 3 attempts finally found a place to stop. L is pissed off again because there are no trucks.). Stopped at halfway point for breakfast. L threw most of the floor of the new car, R didn't want to wake up to nurse, ended up making it to my parents with out much of a problem. Patted myself on the back for being so well organized and the trip going so well. L now is about 3 hours short on sleep though and freaking out. Play a bit, try to feed him lunch (that went on the floor too -- which in my clean freak mom's house is a BIG BIG No-No), then nap time. Didn't want to nap, but eventually gave in after playing with a radio that I was sure was out of his reach. R and I ran some errands (previously mentioned chocolate and picked up some stuff for my mom). While I was running errands I noticed that my old elementary school was having their annual May Day, something I remember quite fondly from my days in elementary school. Kinda like a street fair, but more fun and a whole lot cheaper. PERFECT entertainment for my toddler who was in desperate need for a child friendly zone. So what did I do... I WOKE HIM UP EARLY FROM HIM NAP. Yes, I know. I have officially lost my damn mind, but I did it. So what did I end up with -- a super cranky toddler at my old elementary school with games that were far too old for him and next to no food vendors. WTF is that??? No visit to friend's parents house, no setting up the baptism, etc. So I was 1 for what 4 as of this point.

Unfortunately -- Saturday -- cranky toddler and all -- was the HIGHLIGHT of the trip.

Sunday dawned at about 7 when R started crying in the room where I was sleeping and I faintly heard L crying/talking too. L does NOT get up at 7, but lo and behold, there he was with my dad walking down the hall wide awake. Oh hell is all I can say. Seriously, this kid is so sleep deprived by this point that there is no hope for a happy day. Lets just stay L spent more time in timeouts then any 18m old should, but Mommy's patience was also totally shot by this point. I "planned" on leaving at about noon, which is L's normal nap time, but the kid passed out cold during one of his timeouts and I wasn't making the same mistake twice by waking him up -- oh, but this temper tantrum and passing out thing shot going to church, so make that 1 of 5 now. We did eventually get on the road at about 1 and of course L was then awake until the last freaking 10 seconds of the trip (really the last 20 minutes, but who is counting). When I finally got to the Saint's house, R was in complete freakout mode because it was past time for him to eat, L was sound asleep in the car and I had to pee more than anyone's bladder should hold. Pee, nurse R, search for the MLS listings for the realtor and then the shit really hit the fan.

I was putting R back in his car seat so I could get L and get R's swing when I heard what simply sounded like a huge cup of water hit the floor... only it wasn't water, didn't come from a cup and most certainly wasn't simple. My oldest niece puked. Now if you have read this blog for anytime you will know my family's penchent for getting the stomach flu. Oh hell ... not my family -- L! So there I stand 7w old in my arms, toddler who seems to like to puke in the car and what do I do... Oh I f-ing run for it thank you very much. It is barely 4 by this time and I haven't even been out of the car for 30 minutes, L has now napped a grand total of maybe 45 minutes in the car (and an hour at my parents house, so we are still super sleep deprived) and R is on the verge of hitting his fussy time where he wants to cluster feed and where I am... middle of freaking VA without a clue what to do. So I of course hit the outlets -- the Saint lives close and L is waking up and needing a snack... For the first time in my life I bought NOTHING at the outlets, but L ran around for about an hour, R hung in the baby bjorn and didn't scream like a mad fool and I waited for the Saint to call me back and tell me what was going on (I am praying food poisoning at this point, but alas... it was just wishful thinking). My mom is of course freaking out (she tends to do that) because I said I may just stay at a hotel for the night. Mom seems to think that my staying at a hotel with 2 small boys is an open invitation for the sick and twisted to find me. How that leap of thinking makes sense... yeah, no clue here either. Anyways, I do what any self-sufficent independent woman would do -- bundle my poor, sick of the car children back into the car and head home. My mom all the while is attempting to convince me to stay at my best-friends house 2 hours from my home, but which I will drive right past. This is of course because I have now be "exposed" and she doesn't want me to come back to her house, but I should drag my sorry ass to my 27w pregnant friend's house and infect her, her hubby and her 17m old daughter. Yeah -- W, you reading this crap... wonder WHY I didn't even CALL you when this all happened???? Also, no one seems to think that I should be driving. Apparently I look like shit because everyone was talking about how sleep deprived I was. Trust me... at this point, I am actually not sleep deprived. R is doing pretty well at sleeping at night and a block of even 3 hours seems like a lifetime. Needless to say, I ignored everyone and thought I will try to make it home, if I get too tired, I am checking into a hotel. I am not stupid and I sure as hell am not risking my kids. Oh -- N, thanks so much for the talk though, I have never been so happy to have you living 2 time zones away from me.

So, should you have been driving in VA, MD, PA, NJ or NY this past weekend and saw a minivan pulled over on the side of the road, that was probably me... nursing R, because of course he still wanted to be fed every 30 minutes like usual. L... well he went to bed an hour late that night too because until his poor eyes couldn't see the big trucks on the highway, he wanted to be awake. Poor kid slept until almost 10 the next day. Thank God for that though.

Guess what... that isn't even the worst part. The worst part is that the interstate in PA was CLOSED. YES, IT WAS FUCKING CLOSED (sorry -- f word is appropriate here). For 2 hours I sat in a traffic jam while the PA Dept of Transportation placed a beam across the interstate. And, but of course, during this time R HAD to be fed and L woke up and screamed bloody murder, and blah blah blah. 2 big giant thumbs up to the PA DOT. I would rather use another finger, but I am typing after all and there are only so many visuals one can create.

As I said before -- I got brownie points out the whazzo with the Saint. Oh, and it wasn't food poisoning because the middle niece got it too. So far so good though on our end, but I should go find a big tree and start knocking on wood for even thinking that!

Now, I have another post to write about why I am a playgroup drop out, but R has been kind enough to finally let me finish this one, so I am not pushing my luck.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Oh ... yeah ... the bird!

Well I am happy to report that the one bird I discussed previously safely made it outside. It hopped along the ground the whole time I watched it though, so it looks like it has used up its lives and was bound to be cat food shortly.

The bird that I found this morning outside B and my bedroom, unfortunately was not so luckily. Seriously.... this cat is getting worse. It is one thing to kill the bird in the basement and leave it there for me to stumble over when doing laundry, but a very different thing to leave it outside out bedroom so I step on it at 2 in the morning while going to nurse R. Bleck. Anyone know how to stop this???

Oh and for those wondering how this lovely cat seems to bring in LIVE animals in the middle of the night.... well that is courtesy of the doggie door that we have in the basement. A Godsend for those of us that have 3 dogs, but not so much when you have a cat with a penchant for hunting. The doggie door may be getting locked at night (although that kinda defeats the the purpose of them letting themselves out in the morning and we all know who will forget to UNlock the stupid thing and therefore have at least 3 piles of crap (literally and figuratively) to clean up.

Friday, May 4, 2007

make mine a double...

This week started with a double ear infection and now is ending with...

double ruptured eardrum (2nd one ruptured yesterday for R)
double sinus infections (that would be B and I)
and one round of bronchitis (that would be L)

double (actually quadruple) the antibiotics (B, L, R and I are all on antibiotics now!)

Oh and double the amount of surgeries in the family -- my mom had her foot operated on this week and my BIL has a kidney boulder and had to have a stint placed. So double the amount of family members under general anesthesia.

Let the good times roll....

Thursday, May 3, 2007

still mommy of the year

R -- ruptured eardrum. Oh, I so rock!!! So proud that we delayed starting antibiotics. Note to self -- green goo coming out of the baby's ear.... BAD!

B and I officially have sinus infections. Hmmm... gee what is the likelihood that L has something more than just a cold? You know since Brett and I just assumed that we just had colds. Yeah, guess I will be calling the pedi to make him an appt too.

Oh. And to add to my MOTY status... my drs appt was smack dab in the middle of Lane's lunch/nap time. So cranky toddler and hungry newborn got to spend an HOUR in the waiting room of my drs office. By the way... dr. YOU SUCK. At least put the poor woman and her two children in one of the three empty exam rooms you have so she could nurse the newborn while not attempting to corral the toddler (impossible to do by the way).

And lastly -- this week, the cat seems to have rediscovered his fondness for birds. Today is the third time there has been a LIVE bird in my house. I have been able to save one, the cat eventually killed the second when I couldn't get it to fly out an open window and this one... well it has a 50-50 shot right now, but it may have to wait until B gets home. My basement -- well that is covered with bird feathers. Yippee! I was supposed to vacuum yesterday, but now I am kinda happy that I didn't get around to it.

The cow is being summoned.

Oh and for those who were a bit concerned about my last post. Why yes, I actually do expect myself to be the perfect mother. And yes, I do realize how unrealistic it is, but I am a glutton for punishment and always expect a lot out of myself. PPD??? maybe. Only time will tell for sure.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

They win

I officially give up. The kids win. Mommy can't do anything right and she is finally willing to accept that. So, I give up. L -- you want to eat dog food, throw toys at your brother, whine like a freaking fool and play your mom and dad against one another because you know if you cry long enough in front of your father he will give you something/anything to shut you up -- so go right ahead. R -- you want to be constantly sick, sleep for a max of 2 hours at night, but willing to sleep all day long if I would let you, scream bloody murder for 2 hours at night for mom and happily sleep soundly when Daddy has you -- well fine -- go right ahead.

I honestly don't know what is going on with me. I have spent the last hour crying my eyes out -- during which L thoroughly enjoyed throwing legos at me and would laugh hysterically when they would hit me in the head. If he wasn't attempting to hit me or his brother with some object or toy he was crying and whining.

R -- well he is sick again. This time snot is coming out of his ears and not his eyes. So, it is official. I some how screwed him up in utero and he can't drain snot properly. We have a second pedi appt. today and we will see what they have to say. Although, I am to the point where I almost wish he would be admitted to the hospital because honestly -- I am obviously NOT doing a good job at all with him. Poor kid has been sick more than he has been healthy in his short life.

I don't mean this to be a poor me post, but NO ONE gets it. B thinks I am over reacting, as does anyone else I talk to, but seriously no on freaking gets it. This SAHM thing isn't supposed to overwhelm me, but I am seriously ready to throw in the towel. I obviously suck at the mommy thing, so maybe I need to just leave it to the experts otherwise I will probably screw the kids up worse.