Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Selfish, maybe?

After my post yesterday, I got into a conversation with a co-worker about how different female attorney's in our office deal with having a kid. Some leave, some stay, some cut back and some act like they don't even have children. I am part of the cut back crew. I used to put in 70-80 hour work weeks, working every weekend without even blinking an eye. I HAD to cut back when I was pregnant with L, as I was on and off bedrest. But even the week that I was on strict at home bedrest, I was given the ok to work as long as I was always sitting down and relaxing. That week -- I logged in 55 hours.

Now I am down to 45-50 hours on average. Some weeks I still hit 80 and some are as low as 40, but my "average" is 47.

Now the question, spun off from yesterday. Why would I want to have more kids when the 2 that I already have spend over half their time in the care of The Wife? Is it selfish of me to want more kids because... well hell, I can't even say I want more kids because. I know I want to go through labor again (yes, I know, nutty, nutty, nutso here, but I really did enjoy R's labor -- L's, not so much), but that is only part of it. It that were the only thing, then I would start working on B agreeing to let me be a gestational surrogate. But that isn't the only thing. I can't believe that R will be the last baby I nurse, the last baby I rock, the last baby I fuss over when he gets his first cold or the last baby I curse under my breath when he just WILL NOT SLEEP! I keep trying to go back and look at the first 6 weeks of R's life in this blog, like here, here and here, and remember how much they SUCKED, but in the well rested light of the end of the infant tunnel, I just can't imagine that my baby days are over.

Although, then I realize that I couldn't have it much better with the two I already have. Good sleepers, both boys (I am a boys kinda mom!), one Daddy's boy and one Mama's boy and really the two cutest beings I have ever seen - although I think almost any mom can claim the last one.

So, I guess the answer is... who knows, right. I may be selfish for wanting more kids when I don't have the time for them, but that is still what I want. I guess I do justify it to myself that I have given them one consistant person who loves them almost as much as I do in The Wife, so at least if I can't be here I have found them the best alternative. Although, she does work for us and one day she will not be here... that day inevitably will come.

1 comment:

Kirsten said...

I don't think you're selfish. Your kids are loved and well taken care of. You are a great mom and I think that the fact that you follow your passion makes you an even better one.