Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Asking too much

I belong to a cloth diapering message board. When I first started looking into cloth diapering R, I knew I needed some guidance. It really is amazing the varieties that are available and the little tricks of the trade that make CDing actually quite enjoyable for me (B likes it too just happens to HATE doing the swish and dunk with poopy diapers). However, on that board I feel quite "mainstream." I am against the norm there and really against the norm at most other message boards too. I don't fit into any ONE category of parenting. Well I guess I fit into the Smoo way of doing things that only B and I subscribe to.

Anyways, the point of this entry is to address something that was mentioned there. There was a funny and interesting thread about the most annoying things that are said on a message board and out of the almost 1000 responses, one person mentioned that she hated when people complain about nanny's/ cleaning help. Her response was "yeah, it is just so hard to find good help these days" with a large eye roll.

I am STILL pissed about it -- almost 6 weeks later.

I don't get it. Am I supposed to not care who watches my boys or it is that I should stop being so "selfish" and stay at home. Which is actually quite funny in my situation since my staying home would result in us NOT having a home. We can afford to have B stay home. B in fact DID stay home for the first 8 months of L life and guess what -- he was miserable, which in turn made me miserable (and resentful) and resulted in a very dark period in our marriage. So, I am not quite sure what these SAHM zealots would have me do? Move in with my MIL (who I love mind you) so I can be home, wasting my law school degree, paying on a six figure student loan while B worked a job he liked but didn't get paid crap so I could just BE AT HOME. I don't know. Never made much sense to me.

The reason this is probably still sticking in my mind is because The Wife. Yeah, we are getting divorced. The problem I am finding with MY wife is probably the same problem most men find with their wives -- they tend to have minds of their own. I tell her to do something and hit or miss she ignore it and does what SHE thinks it best. Too bad what she thinks is best is keeping R on a bottle until he is 2, ignoring L and making him resentful of her and R, still not changing R frequently enough, not taking the kids to the park even though the weather has changed and it is gorgeous and L asks repetitively to go outside, leaves early whenever she feels like it (for example she walked down to my office with L yesterday at 4 and told me she was leaving and then just left while I sat there with my jaw on the ground. Apparently she hasn't gotten the WORK from home part -- where I am actually WORKING and then tells me today she is leaving early for a drs appt. which one can only guess she at least knew about YESTERDAY and could have told me THEN). She also tends to break at lot (three vacuums in less than a year), has no respect for the kids toys or even attempts to keep them nice (lets R chew on L brand spanking new therapy flashcards!) and her cleaning... well lets just say dumping straight Lysol on my kitchen floor and swirling it around is not my idea of WASHING THE FLOOR.

It makes me sad because I know she loves R and will be heartbroken, but I have two kids and treating them this disproportionate is a deal breaker for me.

Now why does this have me still stewing about the message board comment... because apparently I can't complain about it. It isn't as simple as I don't like her and she is gone. She has been their caregiver for almost a year and the only caregiver outside of B and I that R knows. Even if I think I am making the right choice to let her go -- which trust me, I do! -- it is still a big change for the boys to deal with. Of course this leads us to the over arching issues of -- well why doesn't B stay home again. We have thrown the idea around and we very well may end up with that answer, but right now we are trying to figure out what is the best choice for our family.

And apparently, seeking guidance about that from a CDing message board is asking too much.


RG said...

I'm a friend of your office-mate's and she recommended your blog because we're interested in cloth diapering. Would LOVE to hear more about your tips and tricks and how you adjusted to not being the "norm." (and what CD lists you're on?) Our blog (light on the content comparatively!) is and I'd love to hear from you!

The Wage-Steins said...

I don't get why we can't be supportive of other people's parenting decisions. I too have a real mix of parenting styles, and feel freakish sometimes doing extended breastfeeding, wearing my baby in a sling, but also using disposables and having epidurals.

You have a right to work and so does your husband if that is your CHOICE. Don't let people make you feel bad. You are a GREAT mom and an awesome person and don't you forget it!

Rayven said...

I'm a stay at home mom, and I think that each family needs to make the decision on whether to stay home themselves, not based on society or pressures from others.

If you are happy working, by all means, continue! (I only get mad at those who complain that they'd love to stay home but can't afford it, when they make under $40k a year and have 3 kids in daycare.)

We all need to support each other's decisions.

Best wishes for your family.

MomSmoo said...

Thank you Rayven! The thing is we can afford for B to stay home, but he doesn't want to. No one seems to think THAT is weird, but give ME a hard time about NOT staying home. I guess I am the only parent that counts. LOL