They win

I officially give up. The kids win. Mommy can't do anything right and she is finally willing to accept that. So, I give up. L -- you want to eat dog food, throw toys at your brother, whine like a freaking fool and play your mom and dad against one another because you know if you cry long enough in front of your father he will give you something/anything to shut you up -- so go right ahead. R -- you want to be constantly sick, sleep for a max of 2 hours at night, but willing to sleep all day long if I would let you, scream bloody murder for 2 hours at night for mom and happily sleep soundly when Daddy has you -- well fine -- go right ahead.

I honestly don't know what is going on with me. I have spent the last hour crying my eyes out -- during which L thoroughly enjoyed throwing legos at me and would laugh hysterically when they would hit me in the head. If he wasn't attempting to hit me or his brother with some object or toy he was crying and whining.

R -- well he is sick again. This time snot is coming out of his ears and not his eyes. So, it is official. I some how screwed him up in utero and he can't drain snot properly. We have a second pedi appt. today and we will see what they have to say. Although, I am to the point where I almost wish he would be admitted to the hospital because honestly -- I am obviously NOT doing a good job at all with him. Poor kid has been sick more than he has been healthy in his short life.

I don't mean this to be a poor me post, but NO ONE gets it. B thinks I am over reacting, as does anyone else I talk to, but seriously no on freaking gets it. This SAHM thing isn't supposed to overwhelm me, but I am seriously ready to throw in the towel. I obviously suck at the mommy thing, so maybe I need to just leave it to the experts otherwise I will probably screw the kids up worse.

I weigh WHAT???

160 is the answer! Yippee.

I know that probably sounds a little high to some of you, but at 5'10'', 160 is wonderful. I was 155 when I got pregnant with R. 145 when I got pregnant with L and I haven't seen 160 for months and months.

Granted, I haven't eaten yet today and I am probably realistically 165, but when I got on the scale I was just saying a little prayer to be below 170, so....

Now if only my hips would return to their rightful location maybe I could actually wear some of my clothing (pre-pg clothing that is).

Mother of the Year

Well, I certainly qualify this year...

1) can not seem to remember to take the diaper bag with me when I take the boys out. So L got to sit in a dirty diaper today while I nursed R and then bought diapers and wipes. Dirty butt or screaming hungry newborn -- sorry L, you lose there.

2) go to the park and forget to put sunblock on L and apparently don't OWN a hat for R to block the sun. Oh forget L's hat too! (the nanny's at the park thought I was quite a winner).

3) Pinch L's arm between his car seat and the infant carrier EVERY DAMN TIME. (this was solved yesterday when we bought a minivan).

4) L's last 2 meals -- chicken fingers, french fries and lemonade. Oh so stinking healthy!

5) L's had more donuts in the last week then I care to count. Grandparents visited and Mommy decided not to pick a fight with Daddy's breakfast choices.

Sign me right up. Don't you agree -- I totally qualify!

Beyond....

I am beyond...

Beyond tired, beyond annoyed, beyond frustrated, just BEYOND.

R is back to sleeping for only an hour and a half to two hours day and night. B is totally unhelpful and seems uninterested in R and we don't see eye to eye on discipling L. And most frustrating is we have a terror of a Jack Russell who has somehow decided that the entire house is her giant potty. This is all with her having a doggie door and the ability to let herself out at any time. So the peeing and pooping in the house is just beyond explanation.

So again... I am beyond.

Better...

R is getting better. No more goopy eyes. Sleeping for longer stretches and nursing like a champ.

Things with B and I are better. Long talk about how we divide chores, discipling the kids (right now our methods are very different, but it seems like we are on the same page now), etc. Drive back from PA was actually pleasant.

However... I have come to the realization that something happened between my parents and B while I was in the hospital with R. My dad was down right nasty to B this weekend and I found out from a neighbor that my dad was complaining about B to her (which infuriates me to no end). So, I talked to my parents about how they were treating B this weekend and now need to talk to my dad about what he said to the neighbor and the fact that he is airing OUR dirty laundry to my entire neighborhood. How do you make THAT better? B seems almost oblivious to it, but I am most certainly not.

Oh and B has no idea my dad was talking about him behind his back. I don't tell B about that, right??? I am not a big secret keeper, so this is weird to me.

Good God ...

...R is sick. Please tell me this is a cruel joke. L is out of daycare and finally on the mend (when should I expect the kennel cough and runny nose to finally clear though.... he hasn't seen the inside of the plague ridden daycare in 2 weeks yet is still freaking snotty) and the baby gets sick??? I almost posted last night that for 2 nights in a row R has slept at least one time for a 5 hour stretch, but I thought I would just jinx myself.

Apparently, I am not allowed to think it either.

And of course we aren't home. I called the pedi last night and her suggestion... go to the hospital.... for a goopy eye!! Here I called just to reassure my sister that it could wait until Monday. OOPS. Now I am a bit freaked out (hello... is my delay BLINDING my son??). After some convincing, my sisters family practice will see R at 2:20 today. UUGH.

I am sure he will end up with antibiotics, which will give him thrush, which will give ME thrush... Oh the joys of motherhood.

Did I mention though that I am a cow too?? I wanted to make sure I have more frozen expressed milk when I returned to work (with L, I had close to 300 oz frozen and that was gone after one business trip!) so I have been purposely keeping myself overproducing. At 3 weeks old, I already have close to 100 oz expressed. Unfortunely 35 of them are in VA and won't be good for the trip back to NY, but hey, if my sister ever kidnaps my kids they now have BM here.

MOO!

The exhaustion level = the unknown

I have now reached a level of thorough exhaustion previously unknown to me. That is saying a lot for someone who has worked over 100 hours in 6 days while commuting an hour each way too and then headed off to a week long hearing where I needed to be "ON" all day long while only getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. No amount of work has prepared me for the mind numbing exhaustion that comes with keeping a 16 month old entertained while caring for a newborn. It is truly unreal. Although it is finally making sense to me why woman like to be SAHMs! I am getting the hang of it and really enjoying my time with L especially.

B and I have always agreed that it is basically pointless for him to get up at night with the kids because while I am nursing there isn't much he can do (yes, he can change a diaper, but hello, I am awake already, so I would rather do it then fight to get him up), but I find myself praying every night that my husband starts to lactate. Weird... YES, but that is what the exhaustion will do to you.

I am giving myself until a month and then I plan to have B give R a bottle of expressed milk every morning when he gets up at 6ish if R hasn't started sleeping more than 2 hours at a shot. B is a morning person and I NEED a nice block of 4 hours of sleep so that I am ready to deal with L all day long. That is my plan... now just to sell B on it.

Add to that, B and I are having "division of labor" issues (ie -- I am "home" all day, so I should do everything and he should be able to relax when he gets home. Somehow the man has figured out that being a temporary SAHM to a 16m old and a newborn is the same as eating bon bons all day, right??). That has already been slated as our return to NY conversation after Easter. Oh goodie! At least having 2 kids in the car will force us to keep it civil, right?