Raw

It is hard to explain how I feel today. Angry and bitter come to mind. But mainly shocked and saddened. The best word I can think of is raw.

How has it already been 7 years?

I can remember the details of that day so clearly. Where I was when I found out about the first plane crash. Going to call my mom to tell her not to worry -- I wasn't at the WTC for a conference that day. I worked in finance at the time and had many conferences at Windows on the World. Telling her immediately that it wasn't an accident. Having her blow me off. Going back to my bosses office to watch the TV. Watching the second plane hit the building live. Walking down 17 flights of stairs to look out at the smoke billowing out of the buildings which even in midtown were visible. Watching the buildings come down. All the rumors of that day -- the number of planes missing. The number of planes crashed unclear. The panicked nature of everything. Not being able to leave the city because the trains heading out of town were closed down. Watching millions of people walking north from downtown. Listening to the absolute silence of that day. Being shocked by my boss's boss -- her disgust that someone would get on the train when it finally opened up bloody and dirty. Her jaw falling open when I pointed out -- it looks like she was downtown when the buildings came down -- that grey smoot all over her is building debris.

That may sound callous of her - it wasn't meant to be. It was all entirely too much to comprehend that day.

Then sitting in front of the TV for the next 3 days watching as it replayed over and over and over again.

September 11 marked a significant change in my life. It is hard to describe without going into too much detail that I am not ready to share, but in the months that followed my life turned to its bleakest and lowest point.

I had already met B by this point, but he was just a friend of a friend. When we first moved in together I found out what he was doing on Sept. 11, 2001 when I was going through his work papers -- he was at a farm conference. I asked him how he could have been at a conference on a day like that. He just didn't get that to me the world stood still on that day.

September 11. Seven years. Both a lifetime ago and the recent past. But never forgotten.