The exhaustion level = the unknown

I have now reached a level of thorough exhaustion previously unknown to me. That is saying a lot for someone who has worked over 100 hours in 6 days while commuting an hour each way too and then headed off to a week long hearing where I needed to be "ON" all day long while only getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. No amount of work has prepared me for the mind numbing exhaustion that comes with keeping a 16 month old entertained while caring for a newborn. It is truly unreal. Although it is finally making sense to me why woman like to be SAHMs! I am getting the hang of it and really enjoying my time with L especially.

B and I have always agreed that it is basically pointless for him to get up at night with the kids because while I am nursing there isn't much he can do (yes, he can change a diaper, but hello, I am awake already, so I would rather do it then fight to get him up), but I find myself praying every night that my husband starts to lactate. Weird... YES, but that is what the exhaustion will do to you.

I am giving myself until a month and then I plan to have B give R a bottle of expressed milk every morning when he gets up at 6ish if R hasn't started sleeping more than 2 hours at a shot. B is a morning person and I NEED a nice block of 4 hours of sleep so that I am ready to deal with L all day long. That is my plan... now just to sell B on it.

Add to that, B and I are having "division of labor" issues (ie -- I am "home" all day, so I should do everything and he should be able to relax when he gets home. Somehow the man has figured out that being a temporary SAHM to a 16m old and a newborn is the same as eating bon bons all day, right??). That has already been slated as our return to NY conversation after Easter. Oh goodie! At least having 2 kids in the car will force us to keep it civil, right?

The Birth Story

Sunday, March 11 through Wednesday, March 14

Every night I was woken up with contractions. Enough to wake me up and enough to keep me up for at least an hour, but they never went anywhere and luckily my Hypbirth CDs helped me get back to sleep. Only problem was that it led to a very cranky mommy and the co-irker that normally just annoys me was on my last nerve. I talked to my boss and we agreed that I would start maternity leave on March 15^th after my normal work from home day on the 14^th. I figured I would have at least a week or more of these contractions because I had 3 weeks of them with L. I left the office on Tuesday with the promise that I would see everyone on Thursday at our annual March Madness Party (somehow my boss has ended up with an entire staff of sports fans and he is the biggest sports fan of all, so we all look forward to this party).

Wednesday, March 14 – 39w appointment

Sue, my midwife (my favorite and the one who caught L) knew that I was DONE with being pregnant and that I was getting frustrated and exhausted by the contractions that I was having. She also knew my history of the same contractions with L and offered me a “sweep and stretch” at my appointment. I was very disappointed when I left the appointment because it seemed that the sweep and stretch actually STOPPED the contractions that I was having. I decided to go to bed shortly after L at 8:00 because I was exhausted and I figured tonight wasn’t going to be the night. At 10:00 I was woken up by some stronger contractions that were coming every 7-8 minutes and that I couldn’t sleep through and really had to concentrate on relaxation in order to get through. Those lasted until about 11:30 and I moved myself to our guest room.

Thursday, March 15

I had another bout of contractions that were stronger, but 7-8 minutes apart again from 2:00 until 3:30 and I spent most of that time in the bathroom. I was devastated when I woke up at 6:00 that morning to find that I wasn’t in labor. I thought for sure that the night before was the real thing. After crying to B and then fighting with him about being frustrated with my body and his insistence that I take L to daycare, I got up and started my day. I guess I looked like hell because even L's daycare provider asked if I was ok. I spent my first day of maternity leave sanding compound in the bathroom (which was still mid-renovation), cleaning the house and complaining to anyone who would listen. I also was having sporadic contractions through out the day, but was refusing to time them because I just assumed they weren’t the real thing. I went back and forth on whether to head to the City to attend our annual March Madness party (something I was REALLY looking forward to), but decided that I would hang around the house since some of the contractions were only bearable by leaning over my birthing ball. At about 2:00 I called my doula, Melissa, to let her know what was going on and ask for suggestions on how do deal with pain in my pubic bone. Apparently the baby had dropped and my pubic bone felt like it was on fire. I called my mom and sister to complain again and to my surprise they BOTH decided that it was time to head to NY. I didn’t want anyone at the house because I didn’t want to be watched and feel even more frustrated that I wasn’t really in labor. Eventually, my mom and dad called and said they were going to come to New York and I gave in because I knew that I would need help with L on Friday if I was still having the sporadic contractions. Snow was expected that night and they knew if they didn’t leave on Thursday that they wouldn’t be able to make it to NY until after the roads were cleared. At about 4:00 I finally realized that this was probably the real deal. B got home shortly thereafter and I tried to spend some quality time with L , but it is hard to carry around a toddler when you are contracting. By about 7:30 that evening, I had mentioned to B several times that I wanted him to start timing the contractions for me. He kept blowing me off because I wasn’t moaning and writhing in pain so he assumed that I wasn’t really in labor (I was moaning a lot when I was in labor with L). When I heard him on the phone with our neighbor and good friend is when I realized he didn’t get that I was really in labor. He told her that I was contracting sporadically and they weren’t very strong. WRONG!!! When I corrected him, he decided that he needed to run into his office and drop off keys for the snow removal equipment for the next day. I asked the same neighbor to come over and stay with me while he was gone. She finally was the one who started timing my contractions and they were 4 minutes apart lasting over a minute. I was so happy to know that this really was the real deal. I had spoken to my parents again and they were to arrive at our house at 11. I warned the neighbor if things went fast I would be calling to have her come back to the house until my parents got there, called the doula and arranged for her to be at the house at 10 and went to lay down. B came into the bedroom and laid down with me and continued to time the contractions. I put on the Hypbirth CD and listened to the contractions track and I think B still wasn’t sure I was in labor. He wanted me to tell the doula to wait until midnight, but I didn’t want to talk on the phone anymore. I still hadn’t even called the midwives to let them know what was going on.

Fast forward to 11:00 – B had cleaned the house up for my parents after the doula got there and I was antsy and watching the clock. I just wanted to make it until my parents arrived. As soon as they got there, we packed up our stuff and headed to the hospital. Contractions in the car on the way over were manageable until I realized B tried a “different” way to the hospital and didn’t know exactly where he was. I was pissed then and at one point yelled at him to just pull over until the one long contraction I was having subsided. We got to the hospital and checked in at around midnight.

At this point I lose track of time. I honestly thought that we were at the hospital for about an hour before the baby was born, but it was closer to three. By what I have been able to piece together this is what happened…

Midnight to almost 1:00 – incompetent nurse checks us in, midwife is waiting and checks me and I am 3-4, which she stretches to 4 for me (Gee thanks! I was not happy with that and told her no more of that stretching crap). I want in the tub, but they insist on giving me antibiotics first for my mitral valve prolapse. Incompetant nurse tells me I can’t be in the tub while they are doing thing, but midwife comes in within minutes and asks why I am not in the water already. At that, I quickly strip between contractions and jump in the water – I am seriously in heaven now!!

1:00 to 2:00 – I labor in the tub loving life. Move around a bit and find a comfortable position to labor in. B sets up the Ipod for me with the Hypbirth CDs and I labor while listening to that. I guess while I am zoned out there, there is some talk between the midwife, doula and B about breaking my water (doula and B know this is NOT something I want). The contractions weren’t being picked up on the monitor when I was going through the check in process, so the midwife is concerned that I am stalling like I did with L. I am eventually given the option to either walk or have my water broken and I opt for walking. I get out of the tub, B and the doula help dress me and off we go for a lap around the maternity ward. This is a little after 2:00am.

2:00 to 3:00 – The walk was on one hand easy and then the other hand miserable. I got half way around the floor walking with only 2 or 3 contractions and we are talking to the doula about the fact that B and I both think they are going to send us home to labor at home. Doula said something about the fact that we have our room and we aren’t giving it up (hospital had been very full the last few days). It didn’t make sense to me at the time, but I guess there was never a question on if we were staying or not, even though B and I were worried about it. On the walk back to my room, I had one contraction that lasted for what seemed like 5 minutes. In reality it was 3 contractions the piggy backed and I was well aware of each one. At this point I looked at B and said – honey, I don’t think I can do this. He didn’t really respond to me and we continued our walk back to the room. B was encouraging me to do a second lap around the floor, but I said hell no. I needed to poo and I didn’t think I was dialated enough that it was a pushing urge. I went into the bathroom and all of a sudden the midwife and doula appeared at the door and asked what I was doing. I said I needed to poop and they made me stop and come get check! That is another time I was pissed off at everyone. I just wanted to be left alone to poo. I knew I wasn’t dialated enough. Well, turns out I was 8cm. They let me poo, and drew fresh water for the tub. I got back in the tub at about 5 of 3:00.

3:00 to 3:16pm – I was only in the tub briefly when I started reflexively pushing. I didn’t really know what was going on because I knew I was only 8cm seconds ago. When the midwife heard me grunting though they made me get back out of the tub and get on the bed. I wanted to complain because I wanted to give birth in the tub, but I was just so tired and I knew they were wrong that I was ready to push. Here is when things really snowballed – I got out, got dried off, made it over to the bed, had 2 contractions laying on my side, my water broke, meconium in the water, couldn’t find the baby’s heart rate, all of a sudden found it and it was really low and not coming back up, B gets my attention and says “Honey, you need to get this baby out NOW.” That is all I needed to hear and I snapped out of my “I don’t want to push, it hurts” to all business. A few pushed later my midwife tells me that she needs me to push the baby out REALLY SLOWLY and to just do some grunt pushes. I feel the baby’s head come out and the instant relief that it brought and I remember saying please let B tell me what it is…. Shoulders came out next and then it was over and nothing hurt anymore. B announced It’s a BOY and I responded “It is??”.

Turns out – Reed had his cord wrapped around his neck, hence the small pushes and with him dropping through the birth canal so quickly his cord had gotten compressed. His heartrate was low 100s (was 150 during the rest of my labor but 90-110 during the final few minutes), but he was out so quickly that even his apgar scores were 8 and 9. B was a little worried and I guess immediately pulled the midwife aside to verify that Reed would be ok. Reed was breathing rapidly, but as soon as he had some skin to skin contact with me his breathing regulated, he latched on and was a happy little guy.

Ultimately, I am thrilled that I had the unmedicated experience that I wanted. I know it isn’t for everyone, but it is for me and I really couldn’t have asked for a better delivery. Even B who didn’t want the doula says he is forever grateful for her presence and knowledge. I would also recommend the Hypbirth program to anyone, even if you plan on getting the epidural. It helps during those early stages of labor so much and really did make my experience so much quicker this time around.

Yes, I am evil

So my MIL is here to help me with L and R. Since she recently lost her husband (DH's stepfather), I knew it would be trying for her, but that it would also be good for her to spend time with her grandsons. She wanted to come and I usually love to have her, but not so much this time. So, here is my vent because I am certainly NOT going to say anything to her.

She gets sick as soon as she got here. Just a cold, but the woman has a traech tube and can barely breathe as it is, so add a cold to the mix and it is hellish for her. Then she pisses around calling her dr, now can't get her medicine and we are one day 3 of this. Every day she ends up falling asleep as soon as the oldest goes down for a nap, so she is absolutely no help in the afternoon. I have even made every single meal for all of us -- well today she helped, but it was really no help since it was leftovers. Add to that, today, she didn't even clean up her own lunch dishes and half my day is spent running around cleaning up her dirty tissues so my oldest doesn't eat them. Even DH yelled at her about it yesterday. With the traech tube, every time she coughs mucous flies all over the place, so I have been cleaning it off the oldest's highchair, and the baby's clothing and such.

Oh and now R has a cold/cough too! FABULOUS. He is having a heck of a time nursing with a stuffy nose. The poor guy isn't even 2 weeks old and he is sick. I am pissed.

When B and MIL got up from the table today and didn't even clear a single dish I just about lost it. Now B wonders why I am in such a pissy mood. HMMMMM. I freaking wonder. He will get an earful tonight and I really would lay into MIL for her crap, but for the death of her hubby. I am trying my best to be understanding, but considering I am functioning on little to no sleep for weeks and chasing a toddler all day, I am pretty much at the end of my rope.

So yes, I am evil for being mad at a woman who just lost her husband, but right now, I feel justified for the anger. Maybe we can't live with her afterall.... this move to Chicago may not be a good idea.

I did it....

I went and had a baby and haven't updated my blog in more than a week. Shame on me. Sorry for those 2-3 people who actually read this blog.

For those not in the know yet -- BOY! (holy crap, 2 boys under 2!), Reed Edward, 8lbs, 10oz, 21 inches and yes... unmedicated birth. Arrived on 3/16/07. L loves him, hates Mommy for bringing him home though and gets furious when B holds Reed. So... lots of temper tantrums, lots of awake time at night nursing and lots of "holy crap I have gone how many days without logging onto the internet" by mom.

Birth story is written and will be posted shortly...

39 weeks and STILL PREGNANT

Today. Maternity leave starts tomorrow and #2 was supposed to make his or her grand entrance by now -- hello!! Daddy has been home for 4 whole days. Get out now please.

Oh and under NO circumstances should you EVER say to a pregnant woman, well you could go X number of weeks more (B would be the king of this and will soon be holding his balls in a jar if he continues). Yes, I am well aware of that, thank you very much, but I am currently chosing to ignore that piece of information. Rubbing my nose in it will not be good for your health in the long run. And remember, I probably outweigh you now!

Anyways, walked to the library today and back. Had a whole 2 contractions -- oh yippee. I have more just sitting in front of my computer venting.

Off to finish up the small amount of work I have left... Oh joy.

Return to the I'm Done part

OK... first of all. I am still pregnant! How is that even possible? With L I went into labor at 38w, 3d and had him 42 hours later at 38w, 5d. Guess what today is.... Yep -- 38w, 5d!!! Hello, this child was just supposed to wait until Sat. night to come, not decide to stay put indefinitely. And yes, I know, I am not even close to being overdue yet, blah blah blah. Say that to me and I will gladly hand you the 30lb tummy that I am carrying around and the insomnia that it brings!

Anyways -- B and L are home. L at first didn't want to have anything to do with his traitor Mommy who he hasn't seen for the last week, but he got over that pretty quickly Sunday morning and we got to spend a lot of time playing together. I officially started nesting too, although my nesting involves cooking and not cleaning, because quite frankly between B, L and the 3 dogs, cleaning is just and exercise in frustration. 2 pans of lasagna and 2 casseroles are frozen and ready for post-baby meals/visitors.

Now if only the bathroom fairies would show up and finish the bathroom.... I am still treking up and down a flight of stairs and through the whole house each time I need to pee. Did I mention I am almost 39w pregnant and pee upwards of 5 times a night????

***Bailey -- is this better. 3 whole paragraphs! B, L, #2 and I really do need to make a trip out there soon. Maybe after we finalize where we will be living in 6 months.

8 hours....

B and L arrive back in NY in 8 hours! YEAH. Not only was B able to stay out in IL the entire time for the funeral and all, #2 has so far cooperated and continues to stay put. I will be so happy to have this week from hell over and B and L in my arms.

8 hours......